Home for the Holidays?

For the first time in 3 years, it's Christmas eve and I'm sitting at my parents house waiting to begin an eventful day of festivity (never mind that it's 6am and I've already been up for 3 hours, silly jet lag). For the last 3 years, I've celebrated Christmas from where I live afar at my house in the Philippines. It's only this year as my family is in the middle of big changes that I felt like I couldn't miss did I bite the bullet and buy a plane ticket.

One of those changes is my new little niece aka the super cute munchkin friend shown below:

This year my grandma also died and I felt like the combination of these things meant I really needed to come and be with my family.

It's been really nice to come back to traditions and familiarity. Now mind you, I've enjoyed learning about Christmas in my host country and been very thankful for the friends who have taken me in over holidays, but there's nothing like what you grew up with. Whilst away, my heart longed to bake cookies with mom and watch Rudolph while drinking hot chocolate and snuggling on the couch with my fam. And from the time of absence, this is all the more sweet this year.

In many ways, this cozy house in Michigan where my family has lived for the past 30 years (at least I think that's how long it is now) is home. It's where I've made all of these memories, it's the place that is continuously filled with family and love, etc etc. However, I've also been realizing over these last few days especially that it's changing rapidly without me there. Some of the changes have really startled me this holiday season as I am looking to steep myself into the traditions I remember and everyone else has seemed to realize the necessary changes before I was hit with the surprise of it all (like my one year old niece gets to put some of my favorite ornaments on our tree....what gives mom???). But for real, home is a rapidly changing thing and you don't realize that until you've stepped away for a while and then re-enter that picture after some time. It's easier to see growth and change when you're not growing and changing with it.

But that's not to say that my parent's house still doesn't feel like home....because it very much does.

But over the last few days, I've been very reminded that that is not my only home.

Back in Davao, where I live, tragedy has been striking over the last few days.

One of the locations around the city where people who have been temporarily displaced from their homes due to flooding are staying

Tropical storm Vinta has hit, leaving the city fairly flooded (for those that will ask, my house is okay because we live on a very high hill).

A number of people climbing on a jeepney waiting for help

If that weren't enough, a fire also broke out burning down a 4 story mall, trapping 37 inside and killing them.

As I've followed these stories from afar, scrolling Facebook searching for signs and getting message updates from friends, my heart has been breaking for my city. As I paced the floor this morning, coping with my jet lagginess I found my heart and prayers flying out to that home of mine and the people who are there. The people that are struggling right now as I'm cozying in with my family. I've already seen pictures of my friends lending a hand in flood clean up and relief and a part of me thinks I really should be there. I wish I wasn't away from my city in its time of need. Yet I see the posts of how we are "Davao strong" and "Dabawenyos will rally back, because we are a people of resilience" and I know that's true. And I've also found myself nodding like "Yeah, that is us. We will be okay."

And as I look back at that last paragraph, this is starting to explain where my dilemma of "home" comes in. I feel for "my city" and I feel the unity of us being "Davao strong". As I sit at my Michigan house, wrapped in blankets, my heart tears for my Filipino home that is wrapped in tragedy. And when I'm there, my heart often misses the ones I hold dear here. Over the last few days, I've been reminded more than ever that "home" is really both places. Home is here, but it's also there. And as some people have asked me "Aren't you glad to be home for now instead of over there?", I am starting to feel slightly offended. I'm glad to be in Michigan, but I'm also glad to be there. And this "home" concept you speak of....it's both. 

Be keeping my city in your prayers as we continue to recover and rebuild.

And enjoy your holiday....I hope you find yourself at "home" wherever you might happen to be!

While America celebrates Halloween...

Over the last few days, my Facebook feed has been filled with pictures of my friends in Halloween costumes. Taking their kids trick or treating, workplace costume parties, and other general Halloween shenanigans are a common reason to dress up like something you're not, eat lots of candy and have fun. As I look at the photos, I've chuckled to myself at some of my friends' witty costumes and wondered what I would be if I were back in the States.

In the Philippines, Halloween isn't the holiday of October 31st. Instead it's All Soul's Day. It's not just a name change either, but a meaning change. How All Soul's Day is celebrated is people go to the graves of their loved ones and eat their favorite foods, hang out with family and essentially party all through the night. The belief is to honor those ancestors that have passed and to bless them with their favorite things since they are stuck there in the grave. So October 31st, the graveyards are filled. It's essentially one big party, complete with cotton candy vendors and children running around with glowsticks.

A few days before, I asked my Filipino friend if she would go to the graveyard for that day. She said, "No, I know their body may stay in the grave, but I their soul doesn't so what's the point?" My friend speaks from the hope of Christianity. The hope is that the grave is not the end for us, but all people have a final destination after: heaven or hell. As a Christian, we look forward to the hope of glory that is heaven someday.

While in American Christianity we look for the same hope, I think it's less pronounced when there's not that cultural thing for it to be so different from. We stand brightest and most clear when our culture gives us a reason to stand out and stand apart.

So I stand reminded that my soul has a home. It's not this body nor the grave. My family won't have to visit me one day after I'm six feet deep nor leave my favorite food for me. Because someday, I'll be in Heaven celebrating at the Great Wedding Feast, where I'm sure my favorite food will already be in abundance and the company will be out of this world.

Poodles and Pitbulls

Recently I feel like I've been in a rut. Not "ugh, life's terrible kind of rut", but a "wake up, go to school, come home, chill, fall asleep, repeat" kind of rut. Perhaps not even a rut in the life sense, but more in the spiritual sense. 

I think I realized I was in a rut about a week ago, but it's been going on for a month or so now. For me, a spiritual rut isn't even me staying away from prayer, God's word and church. I might not be feeling it, but I know better that. It's going through the motions without that fire lighting me up. On the surface, nothing is different, but on the inside everything is different. 

I think that the breeding ground for ruts is comfort. The more comfortable we are, the easier it is to just get caught up in the motions. Spiritually, my life is comfortable. I work at a Christian school, where everyone at the very least pretends to love Jesus. We go to chapel once a week and staff devotions twice a week. Most of my friends here are Christians. I know all the right things to do, all the right things to say, and yet.....in my comfort, I've found emptiness. 

There was a time when faith did not come so easily. When I really started pursuing Jesus, I was at my public university (right after my first summer working at a Christian summer camp). I didn't know any special Bible study techniques or even what most of the books of the Bible were really about. I didn't know how I felt about pre-trib, post-trib, young or old earth theory/didn't really know all of these high Christian theology things existed. It was at this time God was shaping who I was and who I would become.

During that time, there was no reason I had to study my Bible. I wasn't a missionary, I wasn't even primarily in a Christian circle, and no one told me what to do. (Or even if people did tell me what to do, I don't know that they would have told me to do that.) But at the same time, as I had watched God give life to others through this book over the summer at camp and saw how others searched it for their guidemap to life, I knew that I had to figure out what that book said. I knew I had to figure out how it applied to my life and why it should matter to me. For the next three years, I read and read. I would say studied, but at the time, I really don't know that I knew how to study anything. There was desperation there, because I knew that there was held life and life was what I needed above all. Since then I go through spells of being passionate and excited about the Word, but not as consistently as I once remembered. 

I think that part of what was exciting in that struggle was making meaning out of the Words that God had spoken to me. Looking back, I don't know I always walked away with the right meaning, but man, did I wrestle with God to find things there and over the things I found there. Now as my understanding has gotten larger, sometimes I feel like there's just nothing to wrestle over anymore. Which is highly not true, but a 0-40 change is much more noticeable than the 40-50. 

I think another thing that's changed is the people I have in my life. I used to have friends that really pushed each other to seek after the Lord together. People who I saw passionate about the things of the Lord and who challenged me to be so with both their words and deeds. Part of this was we just stood out so much from the watching world we were a part of. We really shone as the light and we ran with torches held high through the darkness, trying to share as much light as we could with those around us. 

My second summer at camp I remember talking to one of my friends about this. She had grown up her whole life in a Christian bubble, being home schooled and then going to a Christian university. In this conversation (which has stuck with me for a few years), I remembered comparing our experiences to poodles and pitbulls. So many of the people I had worked with seemed like poodles. It seemed like their whole faith was easy, they always had Christian influences pushing them the right direction, they didn't have a lot of worldly influences trying to drag them down. It was them sitting in Jesus' lap and that was about it. (I do know there is a lack of full truth to that statement now, but this is what I believed at the time.) For me at my public university, with influences daily trying to pull me the wrong way, with not really knowing how to follow Jesus but fighting desperately to learn, I felt like a pitbull. I would fight and fight to try to get to know Jesus more and try to help those around me to know Jesus but it was hard. I didn't have a lot of knowledge or tools at my disposal. But man, it felt good to be fighting hard for Jesus. 

Now, I think I'm becoming a pedicured little poodle. I'm cultured in Christian things and there's not a whole lot of fight left in me right now. As we worshiped in chapel this last week, I realized that and realized things need to change. Whether that's more boldly and courageously speaking for Christ at school (which totally is needed), or perhaps fleeing this too comfortable Christian bubble for the mean streets again, I don't know yet. But pray that I would again become a pitbull, fighting ferociously for my Jesus again. 

Also sorry if I offended anyone in this post. I know we all have our own struggles that we need to fight and faith really isn't easy for anyone. 

Single and Faithful

When I was in elementary school, I remember for a writing assignment in a class we had to talk about the "perfect age" to get married, have children, etc. I think my marriage age was 22 and baby age was 25. As I check my Facebook feed, I see daily (or it feels like daily) new engagement posts, wedding photos or birth announcements. Like seriously, am I the only person who hasn't settled down yet?

Culturally speaking, I'm at the age I need to start seriously looking for a man to start building a family with. I mean that's what everyone else my age is doing. However although that's something I would love, that's just not something that's in my cards right now. When I moved from the US, one of the hardest things to give up was all of the possibilities of what could have been there. Overseas, well things are just more complicated.

And it's hard sometimes to keep things in perspective now while I'm in the US because I get to see from those who are close to me how awesome having someone to love or having a baby can be. While that is awesome, I've been working hard to keep my perspective in the correct place. Single does not equal failure. Singleness is not something I need to desperately look to shed, but something I need to continue to look to be a blessing to myself and others until God does choose to grant me those desires of my heart. And until He gives that to me, I need to choose to trust that He intends to use my singleness.

Because of my singleness, I am able to give my students more of my time and go to their events or chill after school instead of doing my work and worrying about going home. Because of my singleness, I have more flexibility to connect with my friends and to make time for them any given day. Because of my singleness, I have more time and opportunity to get quiet before the Lord and really focus on how He wants to grow me. And it's not that I want to stay single forever, but I need to consider all of these ways in which God might want to use this time of singleness, which He sees not as wasted time but as precious time. Time that I could not go without as He looks to shape me into the person I'm still striving to become.

I guess one of the reasons I'm thinking about this right now particularly is because I have a good friend getting married tonight. I met her in 4th grade when she took me under her wing at a basketball clinic and she's been like an older sister ever since. I was hanging out with her a week or two ago and she was talking passionately about how she just wants to make sure God is getting all the glory at the wedding tonight. Since talking to her about that, I couldn't help but to think she had the same mind frame throughout her singleness. Being a single adult was hard for her as well at times, but she really looked to use that time to serve others and to grow as a person of God. I hope to also chose to use my time this wisely, seeing my current singleness not as a curse, but as a blessing. And when someday I'm not single again, I'll choose to see that not as God removing something adverse to give me a blessing but just a trade of blessing for blessing.

After all Jesus was single. Yet he was deeply loved, significant and completely secure. And so am I.

A Trip to a Buddhist Temple and What I Learned about the Fear of God that Day

Over Christmas break, I took a trip to Thailand to meet a friend in Bangkok. We started planning this trip shortly after my friend moved to Cambodia in October. Little did I know at the time how much I would need this trip as a break and something to look forward to so that I could finish a hard semester strong. We spent 4 days in Bangkok, wandering the city, exploring malls, markets, zoos, temples, palaces, etc. My two friends and I had a conversation one day about how blown away that this place combined the order and city-type design that we were used to in America, and elements from our new homes. I mean how could traffic include actual lanes yet include motorcycles pulling side cars like we often take on our not-so-orderly roads back in our host countries? How could there be street vendors selling this and that up and down the street yet there be a Coldstones? (If you're wondering, we most definitely stopped at Coldstones.) It's like America and the Philippines had a baby and it was Bangkok. It was mind-blowing.

Anyways one of the days left me awestruck by God and I promised myself I would blog about it. Ironically, I was awestruck by God the day we visited Buddhist temples. They were just so grand. The temples were adorned with precious jewels and were massive sizes. The combination of the enormous scale and the attention to detail was unreal. Outside of the temples were huge courtyards full of sculptures and monuments. Everything was extravagantly beautiful and breathtaking. You could tell how much work went into this huge shrines. I've included a few pictures here so you could get a taste.
 

And all of this.....for a god who is no god at all.

As we walked around adoring the architecture, I couldn't help but be a little indignant. A false god, Buddha, has been shown so much honor and respect. Looking at the fantastic structures that were built for him you can't help but feel that fact. Love and adoration went into that work. Holy fear inspired that work. And yet, here I am a worshipper of the God of the universe and I'm just so casual about it. The American culture I'm used to is just so casual about it. We build our churches to be home-y and non-intimidating so seekers will feel comfortable. We wear jeans to church and treat Jesus as our homeboy. (And I'm definitely not speaking about "others" on this. I'm pretty sure I've preached a whole sermon in jeans, a hoodie and my green Ninja turtle hat thrown on backwards.)

I'm not saying casual is bad. I'm definitely not saying we should pour all of our resources into building elaborately beautiful churches for ourselves. I think if we did we would be guilty of neglecting the issues Jesus always tells the Pharisees are weightier issues like looking out for the poor. Yet how do we show honor and respect and awe for our God? How do we inspire that awe in others? Somehow we've lost this fear of the Lord. And my friends, God is worthy of awe and holy fear.

And at the same time that I can't justify us building ridiculously extravagant buildings like these temples for our God, I also feel like I can't not justify it. God helped Solomon build a temple as beautiful as these with a blueprint from heaven. It was the glory of the kingdom of Israel, a symbol of their God with them. It was destroyed as the people strayed from God. Jesus came and declared that we no longer need a temple for God to dwell in, but we ourselves are that temple that God dwells in now. (And I don't know about you, but I don't always treat my temple with that kind of honor.) Yet as the book of Revelation describes the new Jerusalem (heaven) it seems exceedingly more extravagant than the temple.

The wall was made of jasper, and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald,  the fifth onyx, the sixth ruby, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth turquoise, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst. The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.

(Revelation 21:18-21)

As much as it seems like God has moved away from the extravagant and focused more on the relationship, I can't help think that this description in Revelation reminds us that He is always worthy of the extravagant. 

I write all of this to say I don't really know what to do with this. I know my heart wants to make extravagant gestures of love towards God, to do something or create something that truly brings others to be in awe of the Lord, but practically I have no idea what that looks like. I have no idea what that even should look like. I would love to hear thoughts on this though. I would love to also hear how any of you maintain a close Father-child relationship with the Father but don't lose the honor and the awe part of your relationship with Him in the process. 

Our God is so complex, it's hard for me to always understand Him and how to properly give Him the worship He's due. But alas, that's part of what makes Him so wonderful.