I started a new job in September only to leave abruptly at the start of October for a hospital stay. I haven't yet been able to return to this job.
So what have I learned in all this? What is God teaching me?
Well, I'll be honest that hasn't been the forefront of my thoughts the past few months as I've been ill. I've been more Netflix and naps than prayer and reflection. But now that I'm starting to feel better, I've started to think and reflect on what God might be at work teaching me.
Lesson #1:Trust the Heart
My home nurse was talking to me one day and asking me about if I was feeling depressed or hopeless. Thankfully the answer is no. I can't say I haven't been angry with God from time to time. Or that I haven't felt like maybe the situation just wasn't going to improve and I'd have to accept that this was my lot in life. Or that I felt like going through this right after coming home from serving as a missionary was unfair (ok, super unfair...after all God, did you see what I did for you?....*cough, cough* working on pride *cough cough*). But I never felt hopeless and depressed in the general sense. I still had a general sense of contentment and still for the most part held my joy. And the home nurse said that was super impressive considering most people would be struggling with their mental health after all that I've been through.
So why wasn't I? I've seen God use the worst storms of my life for His glory. He's used every bad circumstance and redeemed it. He indeed makes beautiful things out of the dust. So I trust He can do it again. Because He has been faithful. And He will be faithful again. Because that's who He is. That's what He does.
A song that I've been holding onto during this time is the song "Weep with Me" by Rend Collective Experience. I highly recommend you look it up. Anyways a line that has been especially dear to me is "What's true in the light is true in the dark/You're good and you're kind and you care for this heart". God's heart doesn't change and He has been so very good to me in life. His character is my hope. This trial will end and until it does I can sit with the most loving person I can dream of and remember that He does indeed care for my heart.
Lesson #2: Desperation
It was November and I was back in the hospital again. I had returned to the ER after only being out of the hospital for a month. A surgeon was discussing potential options with me. One of the more drastic options was an ileostomy. This is where they divert your small intestines by pulling a piece out of your stomach wall. This allows your poop to divert from going through the rest of your intestines, allowing them to rest and heal. But the poop does need to go somewhere so you wear a bag on the front of your body that collects it. Exit medical tangent left.
As we discussed this potential poop bag of an option, the surgeon said, "Take some time and think about it. I know it's not an attractive option, but it might help." And I replied, "Sir, if it will make me feel better please do it. No thought required. I'm desperate." And I really was. No matter how crappy the option was (pun intended), if it would make me better I wanted it.
I've recently related this to my spiritual life. Why do I not bring the same sense of desperation? Sin is a disease, yet I don't bring the same "by any means necessary" mentality to bring about it's eradication. Why do I not bring the same desperation to growing to be more like Jesus, to growing more in the fruit of the spirit? It takes long-suffering (aka pain and/or annoyance) to grow in patience after all. My faith life at times can be meager at best but yet I don't bring the same desperation to fix it. And considering how important it is, I should be even more so longing to cure this sickness in my heart than I am to cure the sickness in my body. I pray that God would grow this desperation in me.
Lesson #3: My strength may fail
For the proud at heart, 'nuff said. This has been humbling me and making me ask for help of others. Making me realize I need to rely on God's strength because I'm finally at the point I can't get by on my own. I think once I asked God to knock down my pride a notch. This was in no way how I intended God to answer that prayer.
Lesson #4: Oceans
Speaking of prayers, the song "Oceans (Where feet may fail)" by Hillsong United came on my Spotify the other day. When I was preparing to be a missionary this song was so dear to my heart as a prayer to me. I heard it the other day through fresh ears.
So let me quick walk you through the bridge, the words that repeat and managed to hit me a little bit deeper each time.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
This prayer can't be limited to foreign countries. But to truly have a trust without borders, I have to accept that may even lead me into sickness. Into times of hurt that are completely crumby. And if I can't accept that, I haven't reached the place where my trust is without borders.
Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me
Wherever. Again, even here. True story, when Peter went to walk upon the waters a storm raged. Jesus didn't even calm the storm before calling Peter out of the boat. Nor did he calm it after Peter panicked and started to sink. It wasn't until after Jesus got in the boat that he let the storm calm. In fact, laughably, when he first sees the disciples terrified in the boat, he does nothing to calm it. He just says "Don't be afraid". And yet, he could have at any of these points lessened their fear by calming that stupid storm. Perhaps though he knows that a greater trust is born during the storm.
What I find most interesting about this story though is that the reason the disciples were in the storm though is because Jesus sent them in the boat to the other side. Jesus sent them on the lake knowing full well that by doing so, he was sending them straight into a storm. And I need to trust that in my life, this sickness is a place Jesus has called me to grow that greater trust. It is not by accident I am in this circumstance.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
What a stinkin' dangerous prayer I prayed. This for sure is deeper than my feet would voluntarily wander. Thereby, deeper than they could ever wander on their own.
And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior
This is the goal then, isn't it? That in all of this my faith would be stronger. Because whether I see it or not now, my Savior is here. He sits with me in my sickness. He strengthens me and stretches my faith in this whole process in a way that He never could in my wellness.
I now can't believe I sung along to this song and prayed such dangerous prayers.
Lesson #5: I am loved
Not just by God, but my support system here and across the globe runs deep. This trial has reminded me of your love for me as my dear friends and family as so many have reached out to check in or tell me they're praying. This has been so important as I have moved back and away from my super awesome network of support I've relied on in the Philippines for the past four years. I moved back feeling afraid of being alone and isolated, but throughout this I feel so connected and loved.
In Sum...
I say that I learned all these lessons, but I know that these are the lessons God is working on currently with me. My head is starting to get it, but they are now ,and will continue to be, working their way deeper into my heart.
Pray for me. Not just for my health, but my heart. That God would be ingraining these lessons deeper and deeper into my being. Pray also for my platform. This trial has been visible to others in ways that most trials are not and I think that puts it in amazing position for God to use it. Pray that this would be a stage for me to speak of God's goodness and that my attitude amidst the mess would point others to Him.
