Poodles and Pitbulls

Recently I feel like I've been in a rut. Not "ugh, life's terrible kind of rut", but a "wake up, go to school, come home, chill, fall asleep, repeat" kind of rut. Perhaps not even a rut in the life sense, but more in the spiritual sense. 

I think I realized I was in a rut about a week ago, but it's been going on for a month or so now. For me, a spiritual rut isn't even me staying away from prayer, God's word and church. I might not be feeling it, but I know better that. It's going through the motions without that fire lighting me up. On the surface, nothing is different, but on the inside everything is different. 

I think that the breeding ground for ruts is comfort. The more comfortable we are, the easier it is to just get caught up in the motions. Spiritually, my life is comfortable. I work at a Christian school, where everyone at the very least pretends to love Jesus. We go to chapel once a week and staff devotions twice a week. Most of my friends here are Christians. I know all the right things to do, all the right things to say, and yet.....in my comfort, I've found emptiness. 

There was a time when faith did not come so easily. When I really started pursuing Jesus, I was at my public university (right after my first summer working at a Christian summer camp). I didn't know any special Bible study techniques or even what most of the books of the Bible were really about. I didn't know how I felt about pre-trib, post-trib, young or old earth theory/didn't really know all of these high Christian theology things existed. It was at this time God was shaping who I was and who I would become.

During that time, there was no reason I had to study my Bible. I wasn't a missionary, I wasn't even primarily in a Christian circle, and no one told me what to do. (Or even if people did tell me what to do, I don't know that they would have told me to do that.) But at the same time, as I had watched God give life to others through this book over the summer at camp and saw how others searched it for their guidemap to life, I knew that I had to figure out what that book said. I knew I had to figure out how it applied to my life and why it should matter to me. For the next three years, I read and read. I would say studied, but at the time, I really don't know that I knew how to study anything. There was desperation there, because I knew that there was held life and life was what I needed above all. Since then I go through spells of being passionate and excited about the Word, but not as consistently as I once remembered. 

I think that part of what was exciting in that struggle was making meaning out of the Words that God had spoken to me. Looking back, I don't know I always walked away with the right meaning, but man, did I wrestle with God to find things there and over the things I found there. Now as my understanding has gotten larger, sometimes I feel like there's just nothing to wrestle over anymore. Which is highly not true, but a 0-40 change is much more noticeable than the 40-50. 

I think another thing that's changed is the people I have in my life. I used to have friends that really pushed each other to seek after the Lord together. People who I saw passionate about the things of the Lord and who challenged me to be so with both their words and deeds. Part of this was we just stood out so much from the watching world we were a part of. We really shone as the light and we ran with torches held high through the darkness, trying to share as much light as we could with those around us. 

My second summer at camp I remember talking to one of my friends about this. She had grown up her whole life in a Christian bubble, being home schooled and then going to a Christian university. In this conversation (which has stuck with me for a few years), I remembered comparing our experiences to poodles and pitbulls. So many of the people I had worked with seemed like poodles. It seemed like their whole faith was easy, they always had Christian influences pushing them the right direction, they didn't have a lot of worldly influences trying to drag them down. It was them sitting in Jesus' lap and that was about it. (I do know there is a lack of full truth to that statement now, but this is what I believed at the time.) For me at my public university, with influences daily trying to pull me the wrong way, with not really knowing how to follow Jesus but fighting desperately to learn, I felt like a pitbull. I would fight and fight to try to get to know Jesus more and try to help those around me to know Jesus but it was hard. I didn't have a lot of knowledge or tools at my disposal. But man, it felt good to be fighting hard for Jesus. 

Now, I think I'm becoming a pedicured little poodle. I'm cultured in Christian things and there's not a whole lot of fight left in me right now. As we worshiped in chapel this last week, I realized that and realized things need to change. Whether that's more boldly and courageously speaking for Christ at school (which totally is needed), or perhaps fleeing this too comfortable Christian bubble for the mean streets again, I don't know yet. But pray that I would again become a pitbull, fighting ferociously for my Jesus again. 

Also sorry if I offended anyone in this post. I know we all have our own struggles that we need to fight and faith really isn't easy for anyone. 

Single and Faithful

When I was in elementary school, I remember for a writing assignment in a class we had to talk about the "perfect age" to get married, have children, etc. I think my marriage age was 22 and baby age was 25. As I check my Facebook feed, I see daily (or it feels like daily) new engagement posts, wedding photos or birth announcements. Like seriously, am I the only person who hasn't settled down yet?

Culturally speaking, I'm at the age I need to start seriously looking for a man to start building a family with. I mean that's what everyone else my age is doing. However although that's something I would love, that's just not something that's in my cards right now. When I moved from the US, one of the hardest things to give up was all of the possibilities of what could have been there. Overseas, well things are just more complicated.

And it's hard sometimes to keep things in perspective now while I'm in the US because I get to see from those who are close to me how awesome having someone to love or having a baby can be. While that is awesome, I've been working hard to keep my perspective in the correct place. Single does not equal failure. Singleness is not something I need to desperately look to shed, but something I need to continue to look to be a blessing to myself and others until God does choose to grant me those desires of my heart. And until He gives that to me, I need to choose to trust that He intends to use my singleness.

Because of my singleness, I am able to give my students more of my time and go to their events or chill after school instead of doing my work and worrying about going home. Because of my singleness, I have more flexibility to connect with my friends and to make time for them any given day. Because of my singleness, I have more time and opportunity to get quiet before the Lord and really focus on how He wants to grow me. And it's not that I want to stay single forever, but I need to consider all of these ways in which God might want to use this time of singleness, which He sees not as wasted time but as precious time. Time that I could not go without as He looks to shape me into the person I'm still striving to become.

I guess one of the reasons I'm thinking about this right now particularly is because I have a good friend getting married tonight. I met her in 4th grade when she took me under her wing at a basketball clinic and she's been like an older sister ever since. I was hanging out with her a week or two ago and she was talking passionately about how she just wants to make sure God is getting all the glory at the wedding tonight. Since talking to her about that, I couldn't help but to think she had the same mind frame throughout her singleness. Being a single adult was hard for her as well at times, but she really looked to use that time to serve others and to grow as a person of God. I hope to also chose to use my time this wisely, seeing my current singleness not as a curse, but as a blessing. And when someday I'm not single again, I'll choose to see that not as God removing something adverse to give me a blessing but just a trade of blessing for blessing.

After all Jesus was single. Yet he was deeply loved, significant and completely secure. And so am I.

A Trip to a Buddhist Temple and What I Learned about the Fear of God that Day

Over Christmas break, I took a trip to Thailand to meet a friend in Bangkok. We started planning this trip shortly after my friend moved to Cambodia in October. Little did I know at the time how much I would need this trip as a break and something to look forward to so that I could finish a hard semester strong. We spent 4 days in Bangkok, wandering the city, exploring malls, markets, zoos, temples, palaces, etc. My two friends and I had a conversation one day about how blown away that this place combined the order and city-type design that we were used to in America, and elements from our new homes. I mean how could traffic include actual lanes yet include motorcycles pulling side cars like we often take on our not-so-orderly roads back in our host countries? How could there be street vendors selling this and that up and down the street yet there be a Coldstones? (If you're wondering, we most definitely stopped at Coldstones.) It's like America and the Philippines had a baby and it was Bangkok. It was mind-blowing.

Anyways one of the days left me awestruck by God and I promised myself I would blog about it. Ironically, I was awestruck by God the day we visited Buddhist temples. They were just so grand. The temples were adorned with precious jewels and were massive sizes. The combination of the enormous scale and the attention to detail was unreal. Outside of the temples were huge courtyards full of sculptures and monuments. Everything was extravagantly beautiful and breathtaking. You could tell how much work went into this huge shrines. I've included a few pictures here so you could get a taste.
 

And all of this.....for a god who is no god at all.

As we walked around adoring the architecture, I couldn't help but be a little indignant. A false god, Buddha, has been shown so much honor and respect. Looking at the fantastic structures that were built for him you can't help but feel that fact. Love and adoration went into that work. Holy fear inspired that work. And yet, here I am a worshipper of the God of the universe and I'm just so casual about it. The American culture I'm used to is just so casual about it. We build our churches to be home-y and non-intimidating so seekers will feel comfortable. We wear jeans to church and treat Jesus as our homeboy. (And I'm definitely not speaking about "others" on this. I'm pretty sure I've preached a whole sermon in jeans, a hoodie and my green Ninja turtle hat thrown on backwards.)

I'm not saying casual is bad. I'm definitely not saying we should pour all of our resources into building elaborately beautiful churches for ourselves. I think if we did we would be guilty of neglecting the issues Jesus always tells the Pharisees are weightier issues like looking out for the poor. Yet how do we show honor and respect and awe for our God? How do we inspire that awe in others? Somehow we've lost this fear of the Lord. And my friends, God is worthy of awe and holy fear.

And at the same time that I can't justify us building ridiculously extravagant buildings like these temples for our God, I also feel like I can't not justify it. God helped Solomon build a temple as beautiful as these with a blueprint from heaven. It was the glory of the kingdom of Israel, a symbol of their God with them. It was destroyed as the people strayed from God. Jesus came and declared that we no longer need a temple for God to dwell in, but we ourselves are that temple that God dwells in now. (And I don't know about you, but I don't always treat my temple with that kind of honor.) Yet as the book of Revelation describes the new Jerusalem (heaven) it seems exceedingly more extravagant than the temple.

The wall was made of jasper, and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald,  the fifth onyx, the sixth ruby, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth turquoise, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst. The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.

(Revelation 21:18-21)

As much as it seems like God has moved away from the extravagant and focused more on the relationship, I can't help think that this description in Revelation reminds us that He is always worthy of the extravagant. 

I write all of this to say I don't really know what to do with this. I know my heart wants to make extravagant gestures of love towards God, to do something or create something that truly brings others to be in awe of the Lord, but practically I have no idea what that looks like. I have no idea what that even should look like. I would love to hear thoughts on this though. I would love to also hear how any of you maintain a close Father-child relationship with the Father but don't lose the honor and the awe part of your relationship with Him in the process. 

Our God is so complex, it's hard for me to always understand Him and how to properly give Him the worship He's due. But alas, that's part of what makes Him so wonderful. 

My Last Semester....to the tune of O Holy Night

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. This semester we were really short staffed at the school, so I've been feeling the consequences of being overworked. Due to this, my communication back home has suffered. My sincerest apologies. To make up for my lack of blogging, I've decided to do this one in a more creative way than my usual posts. So here is my semester....as told by the classic Christmas carol "O Holy Night".

"Oh holy night! The stars are brightly shining. It is the night of our dear Savior's birth"
Jesus wasn't literally born this semester. But typical to the traditional Christmas story, he has shown up amidst the most unlikely circumstances. See back in the day, this happened in Bethlehem. Bethlehem is literally described as "too little to be among the clans of Judah" (Micah 5:2). Although it was the place of the prophecy, it was a place that was unlikely for God to choose to be born. It was a place of little importance. And when Jesus was born, it was announced to some unlikely characters. Being a shepherd wasn't a glamorous job or one of much importance. The magis from the East weren't even part of God's chosen people but lived in a pagan land.  They were not the people we might have suspected that the birth of a Savior would be announced to. But God typically doesn't show up in the ways or places we would expect.

This truth was very true in my semester. There were moments I really thought God would show up like in Bible class where He did last year. He didn't always show up there in the ways I wanted Him to. Where He did show up was the places I wasn't looking though, the places that I ruled Him as out for the count. And it was always the places where I needed that birth of hope, the birth that only a Savior could provide.

"Long lay the world in sin and error pining" 
As a result of my overworked-ness this semester, I went through a really rough time of complete and utter burnout. When I wasn't at work I couldn't help but think about work and I began to feel guilty doing other things, because I was so overwhelmed with what I had to do. My hope of that ever getting better dissipated. I looked for nothing more than mere day to day survival. As this was happening, it also became harder to keep my emotions in check. My relationships with my roommates got rocky because I was so cranky all the time. I would sometimes get short tempered with my students. It was often in those interactions I had where I lost it with my students that I really was reminded of how sinful I can be. How angry. How merciless. How in need of Someone to change me because this was not something I could overcome on my own. It was because of the awareness of sin that I really felt this semester, that I really started to feel that distance from Jesus that I had never meant to get there but somehow crept in. And in that my soul started pining for that restoration to the relationship we once had, and started pining for the change that only He could produce in me.

"Til He appeared and the soul felt it's worth"
In the middle of this, somehow I forgot my soul's worth. I became obsessed with being the best tool I could be for God and forgot that He loves and sees value in me as a person.

Now the turning point in my semester came about a month ago. I got in a fight with my roommate. After walking away until I could collect my emotions and think a little more logically, I came and sat down at our kitchen table with both my roommates. We talked for a few hours about how I had been doing and what we could do to help me. It was also this week that I also first shared with my Bible study group how I'd been doing and asked for their prayers. It was after these events that I all of a sudden started feeling better. Months of hopelessness was flushed away and I felt happy for the first time in a long time. I believe this was God moving in response to the prayers of my roommates and Bible study friends. My situation didn't change so there is no other explanation.

As Jesus showed up, I began to remember how much God valued me as a person. Not for what I could do for Him, but because He loved me. That meant I had to really take care of that person and start living more as a child of God than a slave for Him. My soul really started to feel its worth again.

"A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn."
As much as this semester has made me worn out and weary, I can't help but to fill that excitement of hope again. Although it felt like I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, if you will, I realized that even there Jesus can show up. And his presence makes a difference. It is the light that chases away the shadow of death, that restores the weary world and gives hope. I'm excited for this new chapter of this school year that has been unlocked by His presence and hope. I'm excited to see what He does and how He works.

"Fall on your knees! Oh hear the angel voices, 'O night, o night divine, o night that Christ was born"
Looking at what God has done this semester, how he has unlocked hope in my life and restored my soul, I can't help but falling on my knees to worship. It truly is a gift divine that Jesus would come to the world and unlock hope for us all. This Christmas, that's what I'm grateful for. The hope that only Jesus can bring.

The Grace to Grow Up

It's now my second year of teaching. I'm basically a professional. Many of my students I've had in class before. With my Geometry class especially, it's been awesome because I already know what they know mathematically so we've been able to pick up where we left off.

But one thing I've noticed since returning is this: my kids are growing up. My once awkward and shy freshman are now obnoxiously confident sophomores. My once obnoxiously confident 8th graders are now awkward and nervous little freshman. My old sophomores are transforming into leaders as they join the ranks of the upperclassmen. It's cool to watch this process.

In so many ways, high school is a hugely important time of life as far as development. It's the time of life when students really start to break away from what parents and adults say and start to form their own beliefs about things. It's a time when they discover what they think about things and begin to think about who they want to be. I feel like in many of my students' lives, I am getting a front row seat to that this year whether they realize what's going on or not.

And realistically this process doesn't end in high school. No, it's a long painful drawn-out process that we continue to undergo in our early adulthood. I may be graduated from school and working a real "grown-up" job now, but I am still in this process. And one of the big things with this process is you mostly learn by making a whole bunch of mistakes. At least, that's how I do most of my learning. Yes, I realize this is the third time I forgot to bring that electricity bill along to pay. Right, I understand I shouldn't have given the students that much trust and independence. Etc, etc, etc. Although I am somewhat successfully "adulting", I still make a lot of mistakes. I'm in many ways young and naive. Just like my students are.

I've recently looked around and realized that most of my friends are older than me too. Like 4 or more years at least. And while they maybe don't have it all figured out, they at least have things way more figured out than I do. Now they definitely don't lord that over me, but instead they give me grace. They patiently let me make my mistakes and learn and grow. They give suggestions and support, but ultimately still let me make my choice even if its not always the best one.

I recently have realized how grateful I am for the gentleness, grace and patience they give me. Because I realize as I deal with my students in their growing pains learning experiences, its not always easy to give. Sometimes I just wish they would already be at my level of maturity and it wouldn't be this long drawn out process. But I'm praying this year I would have that gentleness, grace and patience with them to lovingly guide and support them without trying to prevent them from making mistakes by me controlling the situation. We owe it to each other as we grow up to show that kind of love and patience with each other.

One of the biggest reasons we owe this to each other is because this is how the Lord deals with us. He knows that as our faith starts, we don't know much and we make mistakes. But He lovingly guides us to "mature" over time. It's not that we will stop making mistakes, but God has given us the grace to get back up, shake off the dust and keep going for each time we fall down. And today I'm thankful for that because that's exactly what I need. Let us thank God for the grace He gives us in growing up and let us give that grace to each other more fully.

A Better Reward

I'm currently in a 90 day Bible reading challenge with my roommate and some girls she goes to Bible study with. It's been a lot of reading each day but it is cool to read the Bible this fast to see major themes that you otherwise miss. It's been giving me a lot bigger picture look at events and how they fit in the puzzle. 

Today I just finished reading about all the battles in the book of Joshua. In short the story goes: there were 12 tribes in Israel. God leads them out through a guy named Moses. Moses is to lead them into the promised land, which would be super duper awesome. Moses sends spies into this promised land, and although they see how super duper awesome it is, they say 'It might be great, but we could never overtake those people'. Two spies say 'No, with God on our side we can.' (The names of these spies are Caleb and Joshua.) God decides since that generation doesn't have faith that they'll take a walk in the desert for the next 40 years until all but Caleb and Joshua drop dead. Moses dies, Joshua takes over as leader. Joshua then leads the people into the promised land and by the Lord's command in every town they defeat, they burn it to the ground. Nothing is to remain. 

Now I'm not a military specialist, but this seems like an over the top plan to me. Sure, maybe it would be great to not leave any of our enemies living. Then they can't attack us. That makes sense. But burn the entire town to the ground? Isn't this excessive? Those were perfectly good towns Lord! But with every town they burned to the ground, never to be rebuilt again, they were displaying a trust in the Lord. A trust that says "I know that what I see is good, but I know in this act of obedience You will bless me with what is better." The Israelites had to trust that the Lord would provide them with better cities before they chose to burn down the cities they captured of their enemies. We often have to make a similar choice.

This choice might have to do with sin in our lives. James 1:14-15 says "But each one is tempted when by his own evil desires he is lured away and enticed. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin when it is fully grown, gives birth to death."  Sin is appealing. It is something we desire. But sin leads to a separation with a Holy God. And He gave us the Law through Moses to show us what holiness is so we can live in better relationship with this Holy God by following the Law. We ultimately couldn't do that so Jesus was sent to cure that eternal separation problem. Yet sin still separates us from the Lord today. Now what God tells us to do with sin is no different than what He told Joshua to do with those enemy towns: "Destroy everything. I don't want any traces left of what will separate me and you." And we, as believers, need to trust that God is better and His plan for us is better than that sin in our lives for us to overcome it.

This similar choice also might have to do with good things in our lives. Yes, God is the giver of good gifts. But He also calls anyone who wants to be a Christian to "deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." We're called into a life of denial. I often hear among the LGBT community in particular, "If I was made with these desires, how can it be wrong?" or "Isn't love a good thing?" But the thing is that it's not just them (although Christians often like to target them), but we all have desires that we are called to deny. I serve as a missionary. Recently I've been thinking about whether that will be a long-term position for me or not. As I think about that it's hard not to think about the ways the Lord has called me to deny myself of good things. Like if I stay on the field long-term, I am most likely giving up a husband and consequently kids. Yes, I would love a family of my own some day, but know that the odds of getting that while working in another country is slim. And to stay here long term, that's a denial I'll need to be okay with. (Whether I am or not is another story that I haven't quite figured out yet.)  I also am denying myself a dependable income from a "real" job, even though that's a good thing. Denial of good things is sometimes necessary to be closer to the Great Thing (that is God). Don't assume that just because something is good that God wouldn't call you to give it up. 

Going into the subject of denial, I want to talk about a group that the Lord seemed to really deny as they went into the promised land. They were called the Levites. The Levites were the people set aside to be the priests of God. Something that Moses continually reminded the Levites before they entered was that they got no land to claim as their own. Instead as all of their brothers and fellow Israelites got land, the Lord just told them "You will have no inheritance in their land, nor will you have any share among them; I am your share an your inheritance among the Israelites." (Numbers 18:20) And this phrase appears over and over. God's constantly reminding them, as people who serve Me, I will give you nothing but Me! I'm sure some of them probably felt ripped off. I mean how could God give them no land? What's the deal? But again they must trust that God is better than the land would be. 

Again as I think about the potential of life long-term in the mission field, being a missionary is much like being a Levite. I rely on a team of supporters; I don't have a way to support myself. I am not building for myself a home, because as a missionary I live pretty simply. And because as someone God has called away, you never know when the call to leave will be. With people coming and going all the time, there seems to be a lack of permanence no matter how long you're there. But in this Levite-like existence, it's somehow easier to see God. There's less distractions on my time and attention. He's more at work as I seek to actively serve Him. And I'm reminded of just how good it is to be with the Lord, closely communing with Him. But the choice is always: Is He better than....? 

The entirety of our lives is made up of choices. You made the choice to read this blog. You chose what to eat to day. You may not think you have much say, but you have some choice in where you live (even if its with your parents, you could have chose the park bench). And what God asks all of us is will you turn to Me in those choices? This will often look like giving things up, but will you decide I'm worth it? And I challenge you to ask yourself what the Lord might be calling you to give up to gain that better reward of His closeness. 

A Wall of Memories

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted last. Life has been very busy with school ending last week. Now that it's over though, my roommates and I have been doing some work around the house. One of the things we decided to do that we've talked about for a while is make a memory wall. It's a combination of pictures and quotes we've collected throughout the year. I've included a picture of the memory wall at the bottom if you want to see my roommate, Claire, and I's awesome home decorating skills. I've also included some of my favorite pictures from the wall here.

With everything we've done to decorate and clean up in the last few days, I think this wall is the most important thing. I think it's such an important thing because the act of remembering is an important one.

Moto ride to right before this guy's bike broke down lol

It's important for me to remember....that life here is filled with good things, fun things, and lots of adventure. You might be thinking, "Well how could you forget that? You went overseas!" And taking a trip overseas is all of those things all of the time (I imagine...I haven't really ever done the whole vacation thing in foreign countries). But living in another country often yields a different reality. For a period of about a month, we had power and water outages every day for several hours a day. That's not fun. Waiting in a line for extraordinary amounts of time at supermarkets isn't fun. Navigating another culture day in and day out can be exhausting. But for all of the times that it's hard, it's important to remember that being a missionary isn't this terrible life of suffering that the Lord has called us to. It's more often a life of blessing, a life of good times and awesome friends, and a life of adventure.

It's important to remember....that my work doesn't define me.  Let's be real. We all know teachers work crazy amounts of hours to make things awesome for their students. With lessons to be planned, papers to be graded, and messes to clean up, there's always something more you could do. And when I share with people why I moved over here, it is about my job. I moved here to serve my students and I get to do that through teaching. Even when I have breaks, it's often dedicated to the other part of my job: being a good missionary and updating supporters. Yet I am not just a missionary teacher. I exist instead the way every human does: to love and to be loved. My memories help remind me there's so much more to life than the everyday grind I often get stuck in seeing.

My 3 rocks this year :)

It's important to remember...that as crazy as my friends sometimes make me here, my life without them would drive me more crazy. One thing that's interesting about living overseas is the ex-patriot friends you have to choose from here are very limited. Not that local friends aren't great, I've made a number of those here too, but friends who I don't have to think about cultural expectations with because we have similar backgrounds can be really nice. I've got a pretty tight group of about 3 girls here and we often are reminded that we would never be friends in America where the selection pool is larger. Sometimes they do things like analyze the moral meaning of Tarzan as I'm trying to enjoy a simple childhood classic, or perform gymnastic maneuvers mid-conversations, or not come home from every shopping trip with an ice cream cone for me, and I think, "Man, these guys I'm stuck with are so weird." But it's important to remember that these guys are here when I need to cry things out, they're my exploring companions, and they make my life  a lot more fun. Because sometimes they do things like hammock over night on a beach with me, join random karaoke parties with strangers with me, do really bizarre things like ride escalators backwards when Filipinos are staring so they'll think all Americans do a certain weird thing, or buy me ice cream. It's important to remind myself in those hard moments of these good moments I have with them.

Brenna, the student teacher roomie and I

It's important to remember...that despite the revolving door of hellos and goodbyes that are constant in the overseas life, relationships are worth it. Tomorrow we're dropping of one of my group of 4 at the airport as she moves back to the States. And she's not the first friend who has flown out either for furlough (a year in which a missionary goes back to the States to support raise and rest), for the summer, or for good. And good byes are hard. Earlier this year, my roommate and I had a student teacher live with us for a few months and this student teacher and I became really close. When she left, at the end of some days I would go to her room to tell her something to see that it was empty. I'd want to do something we used to do together but have no one to do it with anymore. It's hard when you're the one staying behind as the people around you leave. And soon, I'll be going back to Michigan where I said some hard good byes a year ago. And for every hello I get to say there, it will always be accompanied by a goodbye. It's hard being the one who constantly leaves. But the answer to this can not be emotional distance and walls or you miss out on the fun memories, the friendships you need and the awesome people around you. Our memory wall reminds me these relationships are worth it as hard as the goodbyes have been or will be.

It's important to remember...that the America I go back to in a few short days will not be the America I remember...but I will also not be the Kacie it remembers and that's okay. Over the last few days, I've been thinking about habits that I've picked up over here that I'll need to be aware that people will look at me like I'm weird for when I go to America in a few short days. Like eating only with a fork and spoon. Like pointing with my whole hand and signaling people over with my hand facing down. Like calling toilet paper "tissue", bathrooms "CR"'s and never using the word napkin for the thing I wipe my face with at the dinner table (napkin refers to feminine hygiene products over here). And it's not just habits, but I've also been a student of the bigger things of culture. Like Filipinos value relationships, where Americans often value time and efficiency and often one has to be sacrificed for the other. Filipinos value the group, where Americans value individualism and uniqueness. And there are more. And it's important to remind myself that America really isn't that great (or that terrible), and the Philippines really isn't that great (or that terrible), but both cultures I live in have good and bad elements. And it's okay to appreciate both and to be a product of both, taking the best I know from each.

Our Memory Wall

This memory wall we erected today serves as a reminder for all of these things. And reminders are an important thing. In Old Testament times, when someone met with God they would often build an alter there as a reminder. God gave the people feasts and festivals to celebrate during the year as reminders of what He had done. After Moses got the Law, God told him to talk about the commandments constantly and to "write them on the door frame of your house and on your gates" (Deuteronomy 11:20). The Lord knows we need to set up for ourselves reminders of what He has done and of the blessings we have. When our soul wants to dwell on the bad, we can use these reminders to help us come back to the good. The Psalms are filled with echoes of these thoughts, "Look soul, I get things are tough and you want to be a whiney baby but remember what the Lord has done for you! Keep holding on to your hope and praise Him!" If pictures can serve as a reminder to me that I need to do that, I'll cover the house! What reminders have you set up in your life to remember your blessings and praise the Lord?